Lessons Learned From a Parenting Regret!

I read a post this morning on social media about talking with your teenage girls about boundaries in dating and relationships. 

I raised four girls.  I am a nurse and studied family systems and family health.  I knew what the best thing was to do.  I knew I should be talking with my girls.  My regret…. I didn’t, not beyond the basics.

WHY?  I wonder now.  I can name many reasons, busy-ness, never the ‘right’ time with privacy and cozy intimacy (like the photo in the social media post with mother and daughter lying on a bed together).  Maybe it was related to my seeing them as my little girls and rather than preparing them for the next transition before adulthood, I chose to keep them too busy for boys and live in denial.

And I see now that underlying all the reasons I can come up with was the reality of fear and discomfort.  It would have been uncomfortable for me and them for me to be more vulnerable in these conversations. I assumed at times they didn’t want to talk with me about it or they would ask!

I didn’t have the conversations with my mother, ever!  As a mom, I wanted to be a strong resource for my children, a role model, and a person with ‘the answers’.  This was an area I really did not feel confident in.  I knew culture and society had changed and I was unsure how to guide them.

My oldest daughter was not interested in boys.  She was interested in girls.  When she was a teen, this felt safe, though we didn’t really talk about this either.  We were raising our children in a traditional Catholic belief system, I truly chose to love and accept her for who she is, and secretly hoped she would ‘grow out of it’. Again, my feelings of inadequacy and fear, and my pattern of avoidance, kept me from having the conversations.

My girls are now adult women.  I am more open in dialogue with them, and I hear from them that they needed to learn about sexuality and relationships from me.  NOT having the conversations left them on their own to ‘figure things out’ in a conflicted and confusing society.  I feel very sad for all the ways this lack in my parenting left them vulnerable.

And I feel grateful for the many ways we parented well to help them navigate life with a strong sense of self that did help to keep them safe.

I offer you the gift of learning from my mistake and regret.

I encourage you to get past discomfort and anxiety and learn ways to communicate with your daughter, or son about sexuality and relationships. 

Here are some tips for you:

1. Start the conversations YOUNG and give your child the freedom from as soon as she/he can talk to ask questions, about anything!  Give them the gift of your presence.
2. Work on YOU!  Notice what gives you anxiety and do what you can to understand your own past, beliefs, perceptions, and challenges so you can work through them and be in a place of peace and strength for your child/ren. Be willing to be vulnerable and acknowledge you don’t have all the answers.
3. Notice and tune in to your child, especially changes in mood or behaviors and take the time with him/her to allow for an open dialogue.  Often teens are more likely to talk when involved with a physical activity, like a walk or a jog.
4. LISTEN!  I mean really listen, asking for confirmation from your child that you are hearing them. Let go of your assumptions, judgements and fears and LISTEN for the underlying feelings and needs.
5. ASK your child what he/she needs from you or from other sources.  You do not need to be the sole and primary resource to your child, and you can always guide them to finding the solutions, education and help they need.
6. Reach out for help when you need it to get past your ‘stuff’.  I am here to help and happy to give you support and resources!